This was a post I made on my MySpace page a couple of weeks ago. It was supposed to be part of a continuing series (entitled 'Everyone is an asshole'), but as I predicted, I lost interest, apparently blowing my whole wad on what follows.

This one was 'Everyone on the right is an asshole'

"So, in today's installment, I'm going to focus on the right. Specifically, the right as referring to upper-middle class evangelical Christians who live in suburbs throughout the Bible Belt and the Midwest. Now, this is a constituency which operates under the belief that we, the people of the United States of America, are in the midst of a culture war. Homosexuality, blacks, Hispanics doing anything except tending gardens and building condos, hip-hop, Paris Hilton, Islam, vegetarianism, abortion, evolution, and internet porn are seen as the antagonists in this war. Jesus Christ (as intepreted by Jerry Falwell), baptism by fire, blondes, stay-at-home moms, Hummers, Hispanics that tend gardens and build condos, closeted homosexuality, Jessica Simpson for some reason, an abundance of babies, and bouncy curls are the protagonists in said war.

Basically, what these freaks think is that the United States is in grave danger of becoming the kind of place governed by intellectualism and tolerance for differences. This is a problem, clearly, because the Bible states that the United States should be a nation governed solely by the rules that God laid out for the Israelites 4,500 years ago in front of a magic burning tree. As God's NEW chosen people, our land of milk and honey is being desecrated by people who actually believe its better to use logic and rationality to solve problems rather than a book that existed before we were all born. I mean, come on. What's up with that? Everyone knows the Bible has all the answers. And it only makes sense that what was right for ancient Hebrews is what's still right in today's world, because, let's face it, not much has changed. God loves America. Not anyone else, losers. And the liberals spit in the face of God by trying to look at more than one side of the issue.

But all jokes aside, what's actually going on here is a pathetic and pitiful mixture of fear and anger at a lack of understanding, with some hurt pride to boot.

America has always been a nation whose national identity has been that of the conqueror. We won against the First Americans, the British, the French (not that they put up much of a fight), the Spanish, the Mexicans, the British again, the South, the Japanese, the Germans, the Russians, the Vietnamese (kind of), and the Arabs. We like to win; in fact, we crave it. Victory pumps through our veins. Now, most Americans don't go off attacking other nationals to get their victory jollies; they live in suburban neighborhoods and compete against their neighbors. This is where the fear comes from. These desperate housewives get so freakin' scared that their precious little daughters might actually be ATTRACTED to Africanate individuals (which is clearly outlined in the Book of Ephesians as a mortal sin, not to mention, WHAT will the Showalters think??), so they launch crusades against Fiddy and Nelly, because "their culture of sin and debauchery is corrupting the youth." No. Stupid bitch. You're just some silly mom, afraid somebody across the street will think that your daughter is trash because she prefers chocolate to vanilla.

And the dads are all gay. All of them. I saw American Beauty. I predicted it from the opening credits. If you're homophobic, it's because you're gay. That's really the only explanation. Why else would someone be afraid of gay people? It's not catching, morons. But due to our puritan-influenced hypersexed-yet-actually-sexually-repressed culture, the natural feelings that most guys will men feel towards other men at some point in their lives aren't dealt with. They're just ignored. So they explode in these frustrated spurts of homophobia (rounded out by a little Craig's list glory hole action) If dudes had learned when they were 12 that it's ok to be a little gay, peeps wouldn't be so frickin' afraid of it.

The culture war is a crock of bullshit, perpetuated by insecure, sexually frustrated 40 somethings who wish they hadn't had a bunch of kids and gotten all wound up, so now they try to stop everyone else from having a good time. The Bible is just an easy crutch to hide behind; becuase who has the guts to challenge the Word of God? I mean, it's the foundation for Western morality. And don't get me wrong, there's some good stuff in there. But that's the stuff about LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, and TOLERANCE, not hate and angstyness. Righties: Get counseling. Get a divorce. Kill your kids. I don't care what you do, just stop your bitching about how base and immoral everyone is because you don't want everyone to find out about your dirtly little secrets.

If righteousness is what's really important, the Christians should be concentrating on getting their own lives straight. But it's not, is it? What's important is the APPEARANCE of being better off, i.e., WINNING. And that, my friends, is what makes everyone on the right an asshole."

Time to make another posty-type thing. But, nothing's really going on of any consquence (Harriet who?), so I'll rant about TV shows I've been watching.

1.) Commander-in-Chief • ABC • Tuesdays @ 9 PM.
Ok, so the point of this show is to what, warm up Americans to the idea of a woman for prez? Interesting. They got it all wrong, though. Gina Davis's character, Mackenzie Allen, would never, ever, ever, ever in a million years be the president of the United States. First of all, she's a University professor. That means, instantenously, that she's pro-choice, used to smoke pot, and is convinced she's better than you. She wouldn't even get the party nomination. Second, she's an independent, chosen as running mate to a Republican president that's even more of a jock than the current one, presumably to pick up the 'soccer-mom' vote. Problem. Soccer moms like to vote for men, because they're not confident in themselves and compelled by whatever Jan Davidson across the street is doing; which is the whole reason they put their kids in soccer and bought a Ford Windstar to begin with. Third, she's wayyy to young to be the first woman president. Our first woman president is going to be at least 65. She's going to be done with menopause, with grown up kids, and she's gonna be a fiesty, rancid bitch who nobody's really sure is even a woman. Politics, especially national politics, is a man's game, but since girls like to prove they can beat men at their own games, it'll happen eventually, but to a woman with some serious balls. And no, Mackenzie Allen does not have any of those. Plus, her daughter SERIOUSLY needs to get those eyebrows waxed.

2.) Over There • FX • Wednesdays @ 10 PM.
Aight, now this is a show. Somewhat silly, somewhat melodramatic, but it gets mad props for being the first TV show during a war about the war that's actually going on. All your essentials are there; the Cornell-graduate ROTC honorable American type, who really truly believes he's bringing a better life to the babbling, Allah-worshiping heathens (while his alcoholic wife cheats on him and miscarries); the streets-of-Compton assasin who's been popping caps in people's asses since he was 12, and who joined up to get off the streets; the poor but pious young Christian, doing God's work by serving his country with pride; the troubled half-Arabic translator who's spitting on his heritage by serving the army of infedels, while at the same time doubting his nation's right to show up at Iraqi doorsteps with a brand new socio-economic system; oh, and how could I forget the injured tough-guy, hobbling around on his prosthesis but, for some reason, still trying to kick people's asses and run marathons so he can prove he's not a cripple, just 'mobility-impaired'. The draw to this show, despite the blatant cliché, is the INCREDIBLY GRAPHIC nature of the battles, some of which go on for half the show, depicting with horrible accuracy just how bloody, pointless and disturbing war is. It's a gut-wrenching good time.

3.) Boston Legal • ABC • Tuesdays @ 10 PM
This show is funny as shit. It's amazing to watch blazed off your ass, because David E. Kelley is so quirky and weird that chances are, he was high when he was coming up with this stuff. The camera angles are what get me; they zoom in all close to people's faces whenever someone makes a wisequip, and everyone has such fucked up instantaneous reactions to everything, so it makes for a visual trip-festival that almost convinces you to go to law school. James Spader is brilliantly bitchy, smart and condescending, and he doesn't take any crap from any damn biased judges (although he apparently gets tossed in jail for it). William Shatner is by far the most hilarous. His character has either Azlheimers, Mad Cow disease, or is just downright nuts, but for some reason he's still allowed to practice law. And with hilarious results, if I do say so myself. All the other pretty Boston attorneys with their personality disorders and complexes add a nice flavor to the mélange, and Candace Bergen is like the cherry on top; witty, sexy (old sexy, of course) and sharp, the only drawback is that she's not in every episode.

4. ) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart • Comedy Central • Monday - Thursday @ 11 PM
Well, anyone who knows me knows that Jon Stewart is my idol; in my opinion the smartest actual person with any influence over anyone in the United States of America right now. That being said, he's reaching. Daily Show is starting to pander to its own audience, like the Simpsons and Friends after seasons of success. The show is starting to serve as an impersonation of itself. Jokes are becoming expected; guests are being subjected to Jon's neurotic little formula where he has to get the last laugh in, NO MATTER WHAT THE PERSON SAYS. You gotta chill out with that, Mr. Liebowitz. And by the way; we get that you're short, Jewish and moderately handsome. You don't have to keep pointing that out. Now, keep in mind, I'm not saying that the show has jumped the shark just yet, because it hasn't. There's still plenty of fresh, witty material that is sure to infuriate our leadership; but it does seem like Jon has stopped pushing the envelope quite as hard. I still have faith in you, Jonny Boy, but don't let us down. You owe the remaining bright people, diluted amongst endless pools of the ignorant, at least that much. One day, we will elect you president, as long as you don't puss out like all the rest.

5. ) American Dad • FOX • Sundays @ 9:30
It's not Family Guy. I get it. It will never be Family Guy. But if you want to enjoy this show, whatever you do, don't compare it to Family Guy. In reality, it's nothing like Family Guy. Insofar as it's an animated sitcom, yes, it does have a retarded father figure, a nagging mother figure and a wisecracking auxilliary character, but with quite a different spin on all three than has been done before. (And aren't all dads retarded, moms naggy, and pets/babies wisecracking? Honestly.) The premise is that this guy, Stan Smith, is a CIA agent, but he's a moron. His son's 13, his wife's a bimbo, his daughter's a liberal, and they keep a metrosexual alien (or he could be gay, not really sure) and a German fish. The humor, in my opinion, is focused around how obnoxiously conservative Daddy is; to the point of teaching his son's own family-values-oriented sex education class and gaining control of the airwaves for Christian sing-alongs. The ancillary characters are neat too; my favorites are the gay newscasters who live next door in the mythical-but-not-by-much town of Langley Falls, VA. I think this show is funny in its own right, and you should check it out, because, sadly, it probably won't be on the air much longer. Since it's not Family Guy. Assholes.

Well, that's it for now, I'm going to lunch. Feel free to comment with your opinons (that is, if anybody actualy reads my blog). Holla at ur boy!

Okay. I heard on NPR this morning that, shock of shocks, America's pristine and flawless image abroad has been miserably tainted by the bumbling incompetence, spineless irresponsiblity and general lack of human empathy exhibited by the response to Hurricane Katrina. I have several problems.

1. Why are we still talking about Hurricane Katrina? I mean, I'm aware that the lives of hundreds of thousands were irreperably changed, but doesn't it stand to reason that THEY might be getting a little tired of everybody constantly throwing it back in their faces? I mean, how can you get your life together when all the electronic boxes are blaring "YOUR LIVES ARE DESTROYED" at you all frickin' day? Besides, there's another hurricane coming that will destroy everything again, proving once and for all that God hates America.

2. The segment this a.m. delved into the possibility that America may not treat everyone equally, like we say we do, and that the rest of the world might start to notice. What the flying fuck? Since when, WHEN, I ask thee, has America even come close to pretending to make an attempt to resemble taking a stab at trying to treat everyone equally? Hi. Slavery. Hi. Native American genocide. Hi. Jim Crow. Hi. Women aren't humans. Hi. Internment camps. Hi. Plessy v. Ferguson. Hi. McCarthyism. Hi. Gitmo. Hi. Reaganomics. Hi. No child left behind. Hi.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. All those situations happened before right now. That means they don't count. As of now, America is spotless, brilliantly embodying the principles of democracy on which it stands, embracing all mankind in an orgiastic cesspool of love, dignity, tolerance and respect. Unless, of course, you're a Sikh. Then, you're a terrorist and deserve to be killed. It's the turbans. Damn Sikhs.

3. Is the rest of the world as stupid as everyone here is? I hope not. I hope NPR was just engaging in the oh-so-patriotic self-douching that has become the norm on this side of the pond, and the rest of the world doesn't seriously look up to America as a beacon of equality. I mean, one nice thing about our country is that we don't censor the crap we put out into the atmosphere. So, shouldn't the poor, downtrodden and oppressed citizens of every other country on the globe be tuning in religiously to Different Strokes and Good Times? How 'bout M.A.S.H.? If they did, wouldn't they understand the true value of African and Asian people in this country? (That is, of course, to scream at the top of their lungs inane idiocies and sound bites for the comic relief of the serious, defined white characters) So where does this shock and amazement at our lack of ability to get our shit together come from? Isn't this the same nation that invaded sovereign Iraq because (in sing-song voice, now) everybody was so sad about not having democracy, but too scared of that big ole meanie Saddam to have a revolution? I mean, didn't they, like, see us being complete retards? Has anyone actually visited, oh, I dunno, Kentucky? The panhandle of Florida maybe? WEST VIRGINIA!? Cuz if they did, who would honestly think America was anything to look up to?

Yes, it's true. We have a big military. Yes, we also have lots of colleges and universities, best in the world. But we also have poverty. Serious poverty. With guns. And it's horrifying! Don't believe me? You live in a city, go over to its south or east side (or north in the case of Philly) and check out the situation. You live in the country? Well, chances are you're the poor one. Kudos on getting the internet out there; welcome to the 21st century. But I digress; my point is AMERICA ISN'T THAT GREAT. We haven't gotten the peace and democracy things right yet. We probably won't since everyone assumes we already have, and as everyone knows, when you assume, you make a big global ass out of everything.

Look at Norway. They know how to treat each other equally up there. But do you see Norwegians traipsing about the globe, shoving their ideals down everybody's throat and starting wars with big ole meanies? No. Because democracy doesn't need to spread, if it's right. Just like Christianity. But leave it to the white Americans to take good ideas, and decide that EVERYBODY HAS TO DO IT JUST LIKE US, OR DIE. That kind of defeats the purpose, guys.

The real issue here is power. Americans (and everyone else in the world for that matter) crave it. It's human nature to crave dominion over other life, human and otherwise. Anybody who disagrees with me is wrong. (Take myself seriously, much?) That's why the U.S. spreads its military dominance across the world. Because we can. And because we want to. That's what we should fucking say. Seriously. If Bush got on the telly, and was like "Listen, y'all. We can kick some fuckin' Arab ass. Why not? Let's go see what the new F-16 Falcons can do!", everybody and his mom would be down. The Bushies don't give Americans enough credit for being the fat, aggressive-aggressive, racist war-mongering bastards that they are. WMDs and spreading democracy won't convice us, blowing heathens to kingdom come will!

And there's nothing wrong with that. Unless you're a hippie. But what's wrong is that a nation has beed duped, deluded, bamboozled into thinking that we are somehow good, or right, or inherently better than everyone else. WRONG. Don't spread ignorance, spread hate. Spread violence. Just no more ignorance, PLEASE. My head hurts.

So this is how it all went down. It was, I guess, December of 2004. We were all pretty much perpetually reeling from Dr. Doom's reelection, when my roommate's boyfriend reported that he had heard of a mysterious wonder on NPR. Apparently, there was a dude from the future who had returned to 2000, briefly, to freak everyone the hell out. Now I know what you're thinking: People can't travel through time, this guy was probably just on crack, right? Well, the thing that convinced me (and the reason they were talking about it on NPR to begin with) was that when this guy appeared (on the internet) in 2001, he was talking about time-travel machine design, and he had schematics for the thing. There were these integral parts, electronic microsingularities or something, but in 2001 nobody knew what the hell they were. Thing is, they were invented in 2004. A little bit freaky, but still not convinced? Well, the fantastic story that John Titor wove about the apocalyptic future that lay in store for us did the job for me. He talks about a series of civil conflicts that escalate by 2008 to a Big Brother-ish Department of Homeland Security nightmare where people are arrested for leaving their houses at the wrong time of day. He says the U.S. becomes so concerned about protecting its people from themselves that they ignore the economic fallout that builds steadily toward a global nuclear war, which he clocks in the year 2015. After the nuke-fest, he says, everybody who wasn't destroyed joins hands in a rational, clear-headed hippie-type way and quietly lives out their days farming carrots.

Whether or not you believe this whopper of a tale, understand that in early 2005, when Bush was getting inaugurated again, South Carolina was seceding from the union, and tsunamis were destroying the earth, an apocalyptic nightmare didn't seem too farfetched. Johnny from the future had informed us that the civil conflict that would be America's downfall was to begin in 2005. That freaked me out just enough to start paying attention to everything going on in the country all the time, so if this shit started to hit the fan, I could peace out to Canada ASAP.

So that brings us around. It's September 2005. So far, there's been a tsunami that killed 150,000 people, several Californian earthquakes, oh and let's not forget a hurricane that wiped out New Orleans, plunging the poor and destitute into...civil...conflict? I mean, it was quickly put down by the...Department...of Homeland Security.., right? So there's nothing to worry about. And even though John Titor did mention that several natural disasters would alter the shape of the U.S. for good, there's still no REAL reason to believe we're heading to Armageddon just yet.

But the POINT of all this is really just to explain why, for the past 9 months, I've been following the nation's happenstances with the most scrutinous of eye. Something is going to come along that's gonna prove John Titor right, and then everyone's going to flip the hell out. Or maybe not, maybe there's no time travel and dude was just keen on global politics and human behaviour. Either way, something horrible will happen soon. That's the only logical conclusion I've come to after paying attention to the earth's movement for almost a year. Well, that, and the general conclusion that EVERYONE IS A RETARD. Yes, it's true. I'm keeping this blog so that I can eventually explain how, before it's too late. Hear me and repent, ye sinners, for the time of judgement is at hand! And come back and see me sometime. PEACE!

In what alternate universe does our president reside? Seriously. I mean, I guess at this point in his administration, it's evident that he's in a constant state of power-(or cocaine-) induced delirium, but this steals it.

"I think there ought to be zero tolerance of people breaking the law during an emergency such as this...The citizens ought to be working together."

Yes, Mr. President, I agree. The first thing that would go through my head in a similar situation (that is, were I too poor to afford a car to leave a city that is sunk 10 feet below sea level as a Category 5 storm approaches; therefore resigning myself to one of several terrifying fates: death, disease, homelessness; and after surviving the initial horror of being hit by a hurricane, finding myself without any legitimate access to food, water, sanitation, power, communication or human contact) would be, I'm sure, the thought of making new friends in the petroleum-laced flotsam, so that we could play 'Marco Polo' underneath the dead bodies. Then, when I got hungry, I suppose I'd calmly swim up to the drive-thru window at my local Sonic, and tread water for a bit wondering where the chicks on roller-skates were with my burger and milkshake.

OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING LOOT! Maybe the president has never been in a natural disaster, but apparently he has never even seen a movie of one, because he is completely oblivious to some basic human principles, clearly spelled out in all the disaster flicks. As most people can reasonably imagine, the rule of law ceases to apply in situations WHERE CORPSES ARE FLOATING BY. I dunno, I guess something about human carnage makes the 'lawful American' tag go like this . I wish someone would just take Mr. Bush to, like, the heart of the Amazon. And leave him there in the middle of the river. Oh, and throw some slabs of pig rump around to get the piranhas all excited.

I'm tired of living in a country legislated by what we 'ought' to be doing. Especially since the 'we' is not usually 'we', it's usually 'we white, well-to-do Christians living in the suburbs who never had to suffer a day in our lives because our grandparents did that for us' Everyone needs to take a serious look at what's right and wrong in this country. Because it's fucked up. And I'm terribly sorry that the people in the WORST IMAGINABLE SITUATION are becoming the target of the disdain and persecution of the people in the BEST IMAGINABLE SITUATION. Jump off bridges (into the Tigris) and die, all of you.